25 Reasons Cara & Tony Should Stay In Virginia

I am rising to the challenge! Here are the top 25 reasons Fred & Irene should remain on the wrong coast:

1. They have lost all of their teeth and are secretly planning to move to WV.


2. They have lost their sense of taste and now like Twizzlers.


3. Cara's real job is as a historic interpreter at the Fredericksburg Battlefield Site.


4. Tony's real job is as the curator of the Hugh Mercer Apothecary.


5. They refuse to leave until the James Monroe House finishes its renovations and reopens, so they can visit the world's saddest little museum one more time.


6. They plan to live with their dad & Patty FOREVER, thus depriving those two of a single moment alone their entire married life.


7. They spend their weekends picketing in front of the White House.


8. They keep hoping to run into Patty Murray at some DC venue, where they can say they have been in Meredith's Dime Store (which Patty's dad used to manage way back when)


9. Wally & Lola are now East Coast dogs, and could never adjust their sleeping schedules to Pacific Coast Time.


10. They prefer to live in a housing development with all the streets named after Confederate War heroes.


11. They think living in a 'commonwealth' sounds ritzier than living in a 'state'.


12. They don't want to miss the annual "Rock Toss Across the Rappahannock" party at George Washington's boyhood home (which is basically a field with some humps on it now).


13. They are secretly Nats fans. Even sadder than being M's fans.


14. They enjoy living in the same town as the woman who faces felony charges for biting.


15. They refuse to come home until they have visited the Civil War Life--The Soldier's Museum .


16. They believe F'burg's motto "America's Most Historic City" is cooler than Spokane's "Near Nature. Near Perfect" (well I'd actually agree on that. But this is the city whose one and only paper had the ad slogan "pretty good paper", so we don't expect too much here)


17. They'd much rather sit in traffic for 2 hours than 2 minutes. You can listen to a couple of cd's on your way to work!


18. They have learned to love Wal-Mart.


19. They will never quit smoking and cigs are damn cheap in VA.


20. F'burg claims title to "the nation's most haunted city" and C&T won't leave until they run into the ghosts of George & Martha.


21. They have deloped a taste for scrapple.


22. They have joined The Stonewall Brigade and are busy every weekend with Civil War re-enactments.


23. They have recently joined the Shaolin Kungfu Center in F-burg and are devoting themselves to mastering Fukien Black Flag Eng Chun (Wing Chun)


24. In their spare time, they run the "Ask Fred" service for the local paper.


25. They keep cruising downtown hoping to run into F-burg's most famous native, Judge Reinhold, so they can ask him all about "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".

Admittedly, some of these reasons MAY just be a tiny bit lame. But I feel I have answered the question "what the hell is keeping them in VA?" satisfactorily.